


Kintsugi

by Dezaya



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, I´m sorry Izaya, M/M, Minor Character Death, No Beta, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-デュラララ!!×２ 結 | Durarara!!x2 Ketsu, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Redemption, Slow Burn, Stockholm Syndrome, We Die Like Men, he deserved it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23654026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dezaya/pseuds/Dezaya
Summary: The Japanese art of putting broken pieces of pottery back together with gold. It is built on the idea that in embracing the broken , you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya, Kishitani Shinra/Celty Sturluson, Orihara Izaya/Other(s)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 127





	1. Regret

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language, so please excuse any errors. 
> 
> This is the first time I publish any of my work so feedback is appreciated, but please be nice  
> (oversensitive former gifted kid who never learned to deal with criticism here)
> 
> see ya next chapter~  
> (^-^)/

One year.

Today marks the day that Izaya has been gone from Tokyo for one entire year. If anyone asked he'd say it was a day like any other, not wanting to admit that he’s been counting the days ever since. 

365 days.

365 days since he most likely killed the only person in this godforsaken city who would never be afraid of him. The only person brave enough to not only not fear his wrath but to seek it out, to anger him on purpose.  


He kept telling himself that the flea might still be out there but it didn’t stop the fear settling deep within himself that he had finally done it, that he finally proved to the informant that he was nothing but the monster he liked to call him. 

Shinra hadn’t heard from him. His sister’s hadn’t heard from him. Even in the chatroom's that held too many words at once for his taste, Izayas name was but a whisper.  


He thought it would be peaceful at least, without that pest to stir up trouble but the city’s crimes only seemed to have grown in his absence. It took him a while to notice but the attacks on his person had since increased alarmingly, both in frequency and severity. They were never performed in the cunning way that izaya orchestrated his attacks, no well though out plans, not little girls going after him with tasers but more often than not he found himself getting patched up in what Shinra called his office.

Shizuo didn´t like being at Shinras place anymore. Even though the Doctor kept up his cheery facade he could still hear the coldness in his tone. The Hint of Blame behind his eyes clear as a bright summer day, no matter how he tried to hide it. That, as well as the familiar heaviness of guilt. He wasn´t sure what reason Shinra had for feeling guilty but he didn´t ask, afraid of overstaying his welcome more than he already did. He was pretty sure that if it weren´t for Celtys friendship with him Shinra would shut the door in his face when he came knocking.  


He had suspected the fleas influence in the attacks at first, well if he was being honest suspected was the wrong word.. He had hoped that this was Izayas doing because it would be solid proof that he was alive and well and still very much not afraid of him. But with every group of thugs he beat up, every guy he screamed at to demand a name not once would anything even point in the bastards direction. Izaya liked taking credit for his work, and he never bothered to seriously cover up any of the attempts on the bartenders live. Even when he was stating his innocence his voice was always dripping with guilt.

Shizuo missed him. He'd never admit it, not in a hundred years but he missed having Izaya around. Izaya who wouldn’t back down from any fight, whom he couldn’t scare away with insults and flying vending machines. Izaya who was always there, just around the corner when he needed an outlet for his anger. Izaya who could always be blamed for anything wrong in his own Life.  


Without him the taste of blame lies bitter in his own mouth. He had always hated bitterness, but this one stung particularly. 

He thought about taking this day off work, but decided against it. It’s not like he could do anything about it anyway. There was no grave to visit, and even if there was he wasn’t sure he would be able to face it.  


It was better this way, he decided. Better to cling on to the hope that somewhere, somehow Izaya was well and causing trouble for another city. Though the uncertainty was burning, at least he had a flicker of Hope to hold on to. Better to bury his feelings in work and pretend it was only a matter of time before that infuriating grin would show up around the next corner.  


This day, he found like all the other work days since then went by way to quickly. It all passed by him, the debtors that told sob stories, the ones trying to run away, the ones begging for just a week more and even occasionally the ones paying up without complaints. Those were his favorite. He didn’t have to growl or to threaten violence or run after them. To run after them like he ran after Him, in a time since past. 

Tom could tell he was distracted, he always could. But when Shizuo didn’t answer he didn’t press, and in this moment Shizuo was more than grateful to have a boss like him.  


It was almost evening when they finished, dusk already painting the sky a beautiful orange yet he didn’t want to go home, didn’t want to sit there in his empty apartment watching whatever was on TV right now and eating the excuse of instant Ramen that even he couldn’t earnestly call dinner. 

So when he left the agency he turned away from home and started walking, no particular goal in mind. He let his feet carry him and relished in the way he disappeared into the masses of humans walking closer to him the farther he got away from ikebukuro. 

How he longed to be one of them, to not worry about his unnatural strength and irrational anger. 

At least that had gotten better in Izayas absence. Now when he felt himself burning over at least he always had the crushing weight of remorse to choke the flames.  


He hated every second of it, but he owed it to the flea to not let him die in vain. Not even Izaya deserved that. 

His face lighted up as he heard a familiar horse noise down the street, and sure enough soon followed the appearance of the black rider.  


Celtys support has been godsend in these tiring times. Always there to talk, to give him hope. He had spent so much time with her that a certain underground doctor already started whining at him to stop stealing her time away. He was probably right but the blonde was barley holding on at this point, and he was not about to give up his best friend after all that happened.  


He waved at her, but she didn’t even glance in his direction. It was only then that he noticed her speed. She always drove fast but right now she seemed to fly right past him and out of his vision.  


Must be an important job he thought, slightly disappointed at not getting the chance for a conversation that might drag him out of his feelings.  


It was only when he looked after her that he noticed how dark it had gotten. A glance at his phone confirmed his fear, he had been walking for two hours now.  


Looking around the bodyguard was able to asses his location and start his walk back home. 

He sighed. 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. But he could hardly change it now.


	2. Hope

The following day went by without anything worth note happening. The alarm got him out of bed, he showered, he got dressed. In the Kitchen his favorite brand of cereal was waiting on the Shelf he put in back on yesterday. He knew he should work on his eating habits but even the effort of making rice just seemed wasted on himself. Besides, he was never good at cooking anyway.

His mother tried to teach him back in high school. She said he would need to know it before moving out. But even her patience wavered at the immeasurable amount of food he wasted between burning and over-seasoning. He managed eventually by just leaving the seasoning out entirely and sticking to easy meals. They were bland, sure but at least they were edible.

He made his way to work and a few hours later he made his way back home. He didn´t bother with dinner that day, they had already stopped by a fast food chain for lunch. He turned on the TV and fell asleep on the couch.

The next morning his schedule repeated, the way it had a hundred days before. Always the same, over and over again. For a moment he wondered why he was even doing it at all, why he continued this endlessly dragging life. But just as the thought resurfaced he pushed it aside again. _Just keep it together Shizuo. He´ll be back._

He´ll be back and everything will go back to how it was before. _Liar_ called out a voice in the back of his head _You killed him and you know it._

The sound of breaking ceramic startled him out of his thoughts. _Dammit_ another broken bowl. He sighted looking at the mess of shards, soggy cereal and spilled milk on the floor in front of him.

Most of his cutlery was made of metal -though unfortunately not this one, due to his habit of breaking them. Celty had suggested it after he complained about constantly having to buy new plates. She even gifted him a small set. She and Shinra had gotten it for a camping trip that turned out pretty disastrous He wasn´t sure why anymore- but he remembered it was something about monsters.

Despite his situation a smile made it´s way to his lips. It was so like Celty to get scared of something that could never harm her.

He cleaned the mess he made out of his last ceramic bowl- it was a wonder it had held this long.

After discarding the last shards in the kitchen trash can he slipped on his shoes and hurried to the debt collection agency. He didn´t like being late, even more so knowing that his friend was waiting for him.

Once there his day continued as usual. That is until his Phone started ringing after lunch. He frowned. The only people that called him were his Parents and his Brother, all of whom knew that he was at work right now.

His frown deepened upon seeing Shinras name on the display. The last time he called him had been just out of high school. He wouldn’t call if it were unimportant. Was Celty hurt? Or could it be? No point in wondering he told himself. He picked up instead

„Shizou-kun?“The doctor sounded strangely breathless.

„what is it Shinra“

„He´s back“

Even though it was a warm day he could swear the blood froze inside his veins. Every muscle in his body seemed to stiffen and for a moment the world around him seemed caught in time. It was only a second before Shinra spoke again but if felt like eternity.

„Izaya is back“

And time was there again, crashing into him with a force greater than a truck moving at full speed- he´d know, having been run over before. Everything was spinning and the noise of the city suddenly felt unbearably loud. But for the first time in a year his body was brimming with adrenaline. His goal as sharp as the blade of an achingly familiar switchblade.

„where is he?“

„he´s here. But Shizou-kun he´s-“

The Doctor´s voice was cut of with a touch to his screen as he turned to Tom. He didn´t get the chance to ask before his boss spoke up

„You can go. I can deal with the rest of-“

Shizuo had heard enough to start running. The crowd parted around him, people jumping out of his way, those unfortunate enough to stand in his way being knocked over.

It has been a long time since he ran like this, with everything he had, rounding corners and jumping over moving cars. During another time he might feel bad for bothering so many people but right now other people were the least of his worries.

„Izaya is back“

The words kept repeating them self in his head. It should be enough, but it wasn´t. He had to see him, to confirm without a doubt that he was alive. Still he felt relief forming inside him. _He isn´t dead. I didn´t kill him._

Given his ungodly pace it wasn´t long before he arrived at Shinras. He took the stairs, not patient enough to wait for the elevator despite the 7 flights of stairs before him. Once in the hallway he found the door open -probably to keep him from slamming it off it´s hinges again. He didn´t bother with closing it behind him.

It was only when he saw Shinra standing in the living room that he finally slowed his pace. As he turned to enter the office he felt a hand trying to hold him back to no avail- he was pretty sure nothing could hold him back now, so close to the confirmation of his hopes.

He didn´t know what he expected. For Izaya to be completely fine or maybe a few injuries, a few bruised or something else entirely. But he knew that it wasn´t this.

A face so pale it barley stood out on the white sheets, if it weren´t for the blue of bruises and the red of recent wounds. Dark shadows framing his closed eyes just above hollow cheeks, sunken in with what must have been weeks of starvation. All visible parts of him- His throat, his arms all the way down to his fingers were covered in bandages, save for a small part of skin at his elbow from which a tube was feeding a clear liquid into his veins. A familiar beeping ran loud in the otherwise eerily silent room.

The hand at his shoulder came back, and this time he let it pull him out of the room, too shocked, too weak to resist. It guided him to the couch and all it took was a gentle push for him to fall back. He wasn´t sure what he was feeling anymore. It was all to confusing. Relief and Shock and Regret pulling him apart and leaving him with a dull emptiness in his chest.

„Shizou-kun?“

He didn´t know when Shinra had sit down in front of him, but that hardly mattered now. It was only now that he noticed the disheveled appearance of his not really friend.

His Hair clung greasy to his forehead, circles forming just under his glasses and he was pretty sure the various stains on his sleeves were blood.

He choked back the heaviness of his other feelings and decided to follow the one that could actually be dealt with right now- Confusion.

„What happened to him?“

„he called me two days ago and asked for Celty to pick him up-“

„You´re telling me he was her for TWO DAYS and you didn´t-“

„ _Shizuo!_ _“_

Shinras voice was cold in a way he had never heard before and when he looks up his glare makes the bartender freeze. Shinra never got angry with him, with anyone really. But when he speaks again the anger is unmistakable in every word.

„He arrived in _critical_ condition. His injuries were-“ he paused, as it it pained him to even speak about it „they were _horrifying._ In 9 years of dealing with the yakuza and god knows what else i have never seen something so….so...“

He broke of, seemingly at loss for words.

„I´m sorry“ Shizuo muttered weakly. „What can you tell me?“

A moment of silence passed between them before Shinra spoke again

„He hasn´t woken up yet, but based on his injuries i would say he was captured between six and nine months ago.“His throat felt like it was shrinking and restricting his breathing _9 mo_ _n_ _ths „_ We don´t know what they wanted from him but they must have wanted it pretty bad to torture him like this. He escaped somehow and got a hold of a phone. The place Celty picked him up at was in The middle of a forest, she didn´t see any buildings around“

„Does… does that mean that the fuckers that did this are still out there?“

„since when do you care?“ Shinra snapped at him.

„i...“he stopped. _Since when did he care he_ wondered to himself. He didn´t kill him. Wasn´t that all he wanted from Izaya? It wasn´t his fault anymore -or was it?

Six to nine moths. That left three to six months for the informant to recover from their fight. Was that enough? He knew that he had broken several of his bones. Both of his arms for sure and god knows what else when he hit him with that concrete pillar. He was limping at the end wasn´t he? It all blurred together.

„I´m sorry“ the blonde looked up in confusion.

„I´m sorry for snapping at you. I´m pretty exhausted right now“

„it´s alright. I´ve done worse.“He admitted.

He wasn´t sure if he really wanted to hear the answer, but he asked none the less

„do you think he was…” he hesitated “was he recovered when they got him?“

Now his own voice sounded strange, quiet and small and so unlike his usual self.

„I´m not sure. But there´s an injury at the base of his spine, it´s not broken but I´m not sure yet if he will be able to walk normally again. It would be fairly hard to archive unless they ran him over, so i suspect that he was still healing when they took him.“

so he did´t kill him, but he left him vulnerable enough for someone else to torture. Izaya always seemed like he was untouchable, always dodging whatever he threw at him, always running away. But he knew more than anyone how much he relied on his legs, on being able to outrun his opponent.

He had made an easy target out of the informant and somehow he couldn’t decide if was worse or better than killing him. Surely it must be better right? At least he was alive even if he-

A sudden Alarm shook him out of his thoughts. A little monitor at Shinras belt had lighted up and was beeping at him. Shinra looked as startled as he himself felt.

“he´s waking up. You should leave”

“But-”

he didn´t even get a second word out before he was interrupted

“leave!”

The same icy voice he had already heard earlier. He didn´t want to go but even he could tell just as the doctor rushed into his study and turned his back on him, that this was not up for debate.

 _I´ll just be back tomorrow_ he thought to himself. _I´ve got a lot to think about anyway_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> due to my current situation I have a little more time on my hands so you get chapter two already. I will probably not be able to keep this rate up when i´m back to work, so enjoy it while it lasts. 
> 
> Have a wonderful time until I write again (n_n)/


	3. Restless

Sleep did not come easy to him that night. Whenever he closed his eyes Izayas face appeared before his lids. Smiling, laughing, taunting him, running away from him.

Every memory he had of the raven was playing in his head, every mistake he had made in dealing with him right from the start.

_I don´t like you_

What a shitty thing to say to someone you just met. Why did he always had to let his anger get the best of him? But then again, after that Izaya gave him every reason not to change his mind, as if he was detriment to prove him right.

And from that moment on it only went downhill for the two of them.

He remembers it all, their first chase, the seemingly effortless way that Izaya evaded him, leading him right in the way of that truck. Did he already know of his superhuman healing at that point? Or was it a gamble he was willing to risk? His blood ran hot at the thought. People have died from less.

No matter how he tried to turn the situation in his head, given what he currently knew from his enemy there was no way for them to have gotten along. His temper was too short, and Izaya´s morals too questionable. Maybe it had all been inevitable from the start.

His thoughts wandered to his last encounter with the flea.

_Do it, monster_

The words had engraved themselves in his head by now. The first weeks after the fight they never seemed to leave him, repeating over and over and over again. After a while they grew less relentless but even now there were still nights when he woke up drenched in sweat, the words echoing in his head.

But they had company in causing his misery now.

A face.

Not as he had seen it on that night, blood stained and bruised but still defiant, determination brimming in his eyes as he was staring death in the face, a twisted grin on his lips.

No, this face hurt even more. There was no sign of life in it, save from the beeping heart rate monitor next to him. No cruel smile, no feigned hurt, not even his trademark grin that made Shizuo want to punch him, nothing. He had never seen the raven so… vulnerable.

Even when he faced him that night, even as he demanded to be killed he kept his haughty facade, not a show of weakness on him.

Seeing him like this painted his nemesis in a whole other light. A light that was too close to humanity for his taste.

He had always known, deep within himself that the raven was Human. That he had no superhuman qualities. That he could be hurt much, much easier than Shizuo himself.

But he never had to see it. He never even got a chance as the flea was quite skilled in slipping from his grasp to go home and recover, only to come back again as if he had never been touched.

Not this time.

Probably never again.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When he wakes up the first rays of sun are already blinding him. For a moment he panics- did he oversleep again? Reaching for his phone on the tatami floor next to him he checks the time.

He groans upon reading it. 07:26. Four minutes before his alarm goes off. _Fuck this shit_

He fell slept way too late and it made itself noticeable in his grogginess. He turned in his futon. Four minutes of sleep were better than none.

Of course they passed way too fast before his alarm ruined the hope of catching some more rest.

For all his supernatural abilities why did he have to have such a shitty reaction to sleep deprivation? He could handle a gunshot better than not getting his 8 hours of sleep. Normally this could be dealt with by going to bed before 11 but in situations like this it really proved quite annoying.

Almost as annoying as knowing he would have to make it through this entire work day before being able to talk to Izaya. But he couldn’t bail on Tom twice in a row, he owed him too much for that.

So he went along with his daily routine of getting ready and going to work.

Tom thankfully only started talking after the two of them left the building, away from the gossipy secretary. He was pretty sure that she was the one who started the rumor that the two of them were dating.

“so what happened yesterday?”

“You let me go without knowing?”

“it seemed important”

Toms ability to know what he was thinking always amazed him. He hesitated a moment before answering, unsure if he wanted to share his feelings. But then again his friend always seemed to have a good answer to his problems and he could definitely use a second opinion right now.

“I didn´t kill Izaya”

“That´s good news… right?”

“But I heavily injured him…. And then he was kidnapped and, and then he was tortured…. And now i´m afraid that, that i-”

His throat suddenly felt too small to breath, as if someone was choking him. When he swallowed it hurt, like the insides of his mouth had been replaced by sandpaper.

“it´s not your fault. Izaya knew what he was getting into.”

The voice was gentle, but the words still did nothing to comfort him, no matter how well meant. He didn´t look up to meet the others eyes, afraid of what the other would read in them.

“maybe you´re right” his admission sounded weak, even to himself.

“maybe you two can finally put this feud behind you now”

he chuckled.

“can you imagine that, Izaya and I getting along?”

He thought about the idea for a moment, and the face came back to him. Izaya broken and bruised. He couldn’t really get angry at someone so sick, could he? Then again, he didn´t see any of the injuries, beside the beating he must have taken to the face. Shinra said they were horrifying but what did that mean, exactly? What kind of injury took more than a day to treat? His mind ran wild with possibilities. An organ transplant? Some rare disease that entered trough an open wound? A bunch of cuts that all needed stitches? Or maybe-

He thankfully didn´t have to finish his train of thoughts before Tom interrupted him.

“well your temper has gotten better, maybe his asshole factor got better too?”

Now he actually laughed. Even to someone as uneducated as himself the phrasing sounded funny. Funny enough to chase Izaya out of his thoughts, even if only for a moment.

“His asshole factor? Really?”

“definitely”

Had Izaya changed in his absence? Well he had to, right? Even someone like him was bound to come out different after months of torture. But was he better now, or worse, or someone else entirely? Imagining an Izaya who isn´t an asshole proved to be more difficult than he expected. But hey, one can hope.

He still had 7 hours and 43 minutes to go before he could find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter 3. not much happening, I know. But ya´know character development and shit. 
> 
> Don´t worry I won´t leave you hanging for long. 
> 
> (Also can anyone tell me how to make the notes stick to their chapter? The notes from chapter 1 appear in chapter 2 to me now. Is that normal?  
> Edit: fixed it) 
> 
> See you soon (^0^)


	4. Reunion

The 8 hours of work passed agonizingly slowly, yet as he made his path to the doctors apartment he found that it was way too fast at the same time.

Why did he even want to come back? What did he want so say, what to ask?

_Was I responsible for your kidnapping? Did I cripple you?_

The questions weight on his mind, heavier than a vending machine.

For a moment he wants to turn back, to go home and just ignore this, to shove it into a corner of his mind and be satisfied with never knowing for sure, like he was before. But now that the answer is so close his curiosity grows stronger than his fear.

So he keeps his direction. His chest growing tighter with every step, his fingers shaking with anxiety.

Why was he so nervous? The doctor had pretty much confirmed his involvement in the informants suffering already. Did he seriously think that the injuries he had caused had nothing to do with the kidnapping?

God could he ever stop thinking again? This won´t do any good. Just go up there and talk. you´ve never been good at thinking before doing something.

With newfound determination he entered the building, this time choosing the elevator instead of the stairs.

Inside his own reflection in the mirror caught his attention. He looked exactly as he did a year go, the same bartender uniform, the same bleached hair, the same scowl that he could never get rid off for long.

He really hadn´t changed that much had he?

When he exited the lift it was without thinking, absentmindedly making his way down the hallway until he came to an abrupt stop when a hand extended in his way.

Following the red sleeve attached to the hand lead his eyes to a dark haired woman, her sharp features twisted into an expression between surprise and anger.

“What is _he_ doing here?”

The question wasn´t even aimed at him, her eyes focused on Shinra still standing in his doorway behind them. Given her unpleasant tone he wasn´t sure whether to be annoyed or grateful.

Who was this person? She seemed familiar, but he couldn’t remember when he had seen her before.

Trying to find a clue about this mysterious stranger he looked at her. Black hair, dark eyes, pale skin for a person with Japanese features. His gaze stops at a gun holstered over her blouse _What the-_ His question answers itself as she turns and a shimmering object draws his attention at her chest.

_Tokyo city police department_ reads the badge dangling from a chain around her neck.

What the fuck are the cops doing here?

“Relax Kanra-chan. Celty invited him.”

He´s seen Shinra lie before but he´s still surprised at how effortless it comes to him. Well he guessed there was a reason he and Izaya were friends after all.

This Kanra person still doesn´t seem convinced, but as she exchanged a look with the doctor the anger fades from her face and turns into something more mild. How well must they know each other to be able have this silent kind of communication?

“if it weren´t for you i´d seriously question her taste in men”

A remark like that would usually have Shinra jumping in loops to defend his love but she doesn´t wait for an answer before turning swiftly, her ponytail almost hitting him in the face. It doesn´t take long before she disappears behind the elevator doors.

As soon as she does he turns back to the doctor.

“Who was that?” he asks, none too gently as he moves past him into the apartment.

“Commissioner Morgenstern”

He´s left even more confused at the foreign name. She looked Japanese. Turning to look at Shinra expression he speaks without thinking.

“morge what?”

“Morgenstern.”

“what kind of fuckin name is that?”

A hoarse voice behind him answers. “it´s German. I´m sure you´ve heard of the concept of languages by now Shizu-chan.”

Strangely enough the sound of the familiar nick-name let relief flood his chest instead of anger for once.

_He´s not afraid of me._

The realization makes him happier than he´d like to admit. If hitting him with a concrete pillar was´t enough to scare him, he doubt he could ever inflict fear into the information broker. He isn´t sure why but the thought seems strangely comforting.

With Shinra trailing behind him he makes his way to the owner of the teasing voice.

He finds him sitting uptight in the same hospital bed in Shinra´s office, still looking about 30 seconds away from death, eating soup out of a dotted black thermos can.

_Wait what?-_

“Did the fucking police just bring you soup?” he blurted out before thinking.

For a moment the others face disappears completely behind a curtain of messy hair, almost reaching his shoulder by now.

When he looks up again one of his eyebrows is raised in something between amusement and disbelieve.

“Really?”

“what?”

“that´s your first question? Where my soup comes from?” His tone was teasing but it still sounded rough, like he was having trouble speaking.

“well yeah”

He still doesn´t understand what was wrong with the question. Was he not supposed to ask that? Confusion gives way to anger and he barley notices his hands forming into fists until the surprise of hearing the raven laugh opens them up again.

For once he didn´t feel the other was making fun of him, nothing but amusement as recognizable motive.

But the laughter is cut short with the start of a coughing fit. Out of the corner of his eyes he notices Shinra moving, but Izaya recovers before he reaches him.

For a moment the room is silent save for the sound of Izayas heavy breathing. It´s only now he notices the absence of the irritating beeping of the heart rate monitor, even tough it was still showing a confusing array of numbers and lines.

_These things can be muted?_

For a moment he hates the staff at the hospital he used to frequent even more. It only lasts until the raven has collected himself well enough to speak again.

“You never fail to surprise me.”

The softness of his voice catches the blonde off guard, but the other turns away as soon as he looks up. He can´t help but wonder what he would have seen if he had been just a little quicker.

When he speaks again, every hint of soft was gone, replaced with a dull hollowness.

“What are you doing here?”

The ravens eyes meet his own and suddenly he looks incredible tired. This time it´s Shizuo who turns away, not able to bear the sight of the other looking so weak, so human.

Finding words has never been this hard in his life. And when he speaks it´s more of a nervous babble than a clear statement.

“i… I wanted to know if ….if you well.. if you recovered from our fight before they-” he trails off not knowing how to phrase it without offending the other.

An attempt that he apparently could have saved himself judging by the coldness in the others reply.

“aw does Shizu-chan want to know if he´s partially responsible for my kidnapping? Well I´m gonna have to congratulate you, because yes, it was the injury that you inflicted that lead to my captivity.”

He stares at the other in shock. _Congratulate_? How could he even imagine that- that he wanted this?

“What the fuck Izaya?”

“Was it not your intention to make me suffer? I´m sorry I must have missed that between the flying vending machines and the-”

“What the fuck is your Problem?”

He cuts the other off with a shout, not wanting to listen to the cruel voice anymore. Unfortunately this too only seems to agitate the raven even more.

“What the fuck is my Problem? Well how about this _Shizuo_ ” He twists the name into something that sounded more like an insult.

“My fucking Problem is that I just went through seven fucking moths of torture only to have you come in here and wail in self pity like a goddamn toddler. But guess what? I´m freshly out of fucks to give so if you want someone to comfort you and _lie_ and say it´s not your fault you´ve come to the wrong fucking place!”

The words sting like he´s repeatedly being stabbed by a knife made of ice, every single one hitting true and being twisted once inside.

Even with all the fights and bloodshed between them he had never heard Izaya being so vicious.

He doesn´t move, doesn´t even blink, afraid to do anything that could upset him and unleash the icy rage inside the others eyes again. For the first time in a very long time he can feels the hair rising all over his skin, a chill running down his back.

_How can someone in a hospital bed look so terrifying?_

He almost flinches when the other speaks up again.

“There´s the door Shizu-chan”

He doesn´t hesitate for a moment before obeying, walking out of the room and then out of the apartment, desperate to get away from the suffocating cold of the ravens presence.

It´s only halfway home that he realizes:

_He´s not afraid of me because he´s the one that should be feared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here´s chapter four for you~
> 
> I don´t have anything to add right now, so see ya next time
> 
> (°u°) /


	5. Confusion

His visit left him with more questions than it answered. What the hell was going on? Izaya seemed absolutely furious with him. Did that mean they were still enemies? How could he be the enemy of a person who couldn’t even walk? And how could said person be _more_ scary after losing his ability to walk? Or was he always this scary and just didn´t show it?

Fuck this shit

He looked around, trying to find an outlet for his anger. The lamp post in front of him seemed good enough. The metal bend beneath his fist, spreading a comfortingly familiar pain across his knuckles.

Around him people gasp in shock, and the crowd parts around him, making way for the infamous bartender.

_He hates it._

Hates every moment of this, of his stupid unnatural strength ans his even more stupidly short temper.

This is all too much for him. The questions are making his head spin. This whole situations is just too fucking confusing. He needs answers.

But the only person who had said answers did definitely not want to talk to him right now. So no answers for now.

He stops at the front window of his favorite bakery.

Well cake _is_ a good alternative to answers in helping him calm down. And it´s not like he has any risk of gaining weight. If too much cake made him fat, he´d have noticed it by now.

So he enters the store, well known by him, his anger fading with the comfort of a ring that signals his arrival to the staff.

Inside everything looks like it always does. The black metal tables and matching chairs covered in cushions. The pastel pink of the walls and the cutesy handwriting on the blackboard announcing this weeks specials.

Luckily for him there are not a lot of customers at this time. 2 standing in line and one sitting down at the table, paperwork spilling before her.

He starts making his way to the back of the line but stops the motion as he looks at the woman again. The Red shirt draws his attention first, and then her hair pulled into a tight ponytail. The same ponytail that almost hit him on her way out.

_What was her name again? Mogster? No that wasn´t it_

She looks up, meeting his gaze. This time she does´t look surprised to see him.

Wait was this why she looks so familiar? had he seen her in here before? He still doesn´t remember.

“Did Kelty-san kick you out already?” The tone of her voice let´s him know that she was aware of Shinra´s lie. But he also notices something else, a soft accent mispronouncing his friend name. He decides not to correct it, opting for a more serious question instead.

“if you knew he was lying why did you go along with it?”

“I trust Shinra´s judgment.”

That might just have been the weirdest sentence he ever heard.

“But from the way you´re looking right now I´d say it was Izaya who chased you away, no?”

How did she know that? Who was she to Izaya, to Shinra? But if she already knew, she must have known how scary Izaya can get. But that would mean that he was always capable of this viciousness. So why was it never directed at him before?

The tapping of fingernails against the table brought his attention back to the woman before him.

“Yeah, he did”

“Ouch” she _almost_ sounded genuinely sympathetic, if it weren´t for the fact that she was looking at her nails instead of meeting his eyes. How could she even work with nails that long? He could understand painting them but the length just seemed so unnecessary.

“look, I think you have some questions, and I might have some answers to these questions”

She leaves the sentence open, as if waiting for him to speak. When he doesn´t she sights, but continues none the less.

“But I think I´m gonna need a refill for this first”

She hands him her cup, obviously expecting him to take the offer. He hesitates for a moment. Does he really want to talk to this woman whom he knows nothing about?

Izayas words ring in his head again:

_if you want someone to comfort you and lie and say it´s not your fault you´ve come to the wrong fucking place!_

He could call Celty, or Tom or his Brother or even Vorona. But he doesn´t need to call them because he already knows what they would tell him, what Tom already told him this morning.

Maybe he needs another opinion right now, one that wasn´t biased in his favor.

So he reaches out to accept it. A coffee was a small price to pay for answers.

“What do you drink?”

“two sugar, no milk please”

Making his way to the register he starts fumbling with the cup in his hands. He notices it´s hard plastic, a refillable version of the standard to-go cup. There´s something written on it in English that he struggles to translate. _Probably vodka_. Vodka is alcohol but what does _probably_ mean?

He gives up on making sense of it as the waiter asks for his order, getting her drink and a milkshake and chocolate cake for himself.

She doesn´t even look up from her paper work as he sets the tray down. He really wished he could remember her name, if only to silently curse her rudeness.

“uhm?”

While not the best formulated it still catches her attention. She closes the folder in front of her and reaches for her cup.

“So?” Leaning her head onto her hand she looks at him, her eyebrows raised. The expression reminds him of another raven haired person.

“What?”

“You gotta ask something before I can answer” She taunts. If it weren´t for the badge hanging around her neck proclaiming her morals he´d question if this was a cloning attempt of Izaya during which someone hit the wrong sex button.

“Why were you at Shinras earlier?”

“that´s confidential”

He can feel the blood rushing hotter through his veins.

“Why even offer if you can´t answer?”

“Well I needed a new coffee-” he had to stop himself from punching her across the table at the admission.

“And I also never said I have _all_ the answers. I can´t tell you about my work, but I can tell you about Izaya.”

He took a deep breath before speaking again.

“Since when does he involve the police in his business?”

“Did you never wonder how he got you arrested back then?”

She seemed to be enjoying his confusion. It takes a while for him to register the hidden meaning in the words.

“You mean he´s been working with you all this time?”

He almost doesn´t believe her, but the way she answers without hesitation makes him consider it.

“Yup” Her amusement was obvious now, happily sipping at her drink and waiting for his next question.

Izaya. Working with the police. Working to help people. Doing something that doesn´t involve fucking people over.

“I don´t really know him at all, do I?”

“No, you really don´t”

It feels like the air was shifting around them, the atmosphere suddenly so different from the warmth the little cafe usually provided.

“you went in there to apologize, right?”

He wants to lie to her, but something about her makes him feel like it would be useless anyway. Like she´d just stare right through his lies, the way he usually stares through other peoples lies.

“yes”

“don´t do that again”

The words register in his head but they don´t make any sense. Why should´t he apologize? He fucked up after all. He got Izaya in this horrible situation.

“why not?”

“He can´t use it right now, it would just complicate things.”

“But... why?”

She sights at his question, making him feel like he said something wrong. But when she speaks up again her voice is restrained. _She must be used to dealing with dumb-asses like_ _me_ _._

“Look, you always thought Izaya is the bad guy right?”

He gave a short nod, _no thinking needed on this one_.

“But now you start learning more things about him and that confuses you, right?”

“hell yeah”

“Well to Izaya you are the bad guy.”

“But I-”

“It doesn´t matter right now whether you or he is actually the bad guy, it just matters that he thinks you´re the bad guy. Understood?”

“I guess”

“But right now he has too much to think about to be confused about you. So instead of being confused he´s just going to try to hold on to how it used to be between the two of you, to make you the bad guy again. He can´t deal with so much change at once.”

The thought of Izaya being unable to deal with something was still a weird one. But he supposed that being captured that long must have left a mark. After all all it only took about one minute of captivity for himself to go crazy, and that was the police, not some madman out to hurt him.

“So… what do I do?”

“Nothing. Just stay away from him. At least until he gets better”

The answer should have been a comfort to him. Just ignoring Izaya had always been a dream of him. But after missing his presence for so long waiting even longer seemed almost impossible.

“And you really thinks this is going to help?”

“yes”

It´s just one word but it feels heavy with a sincerity that was absent from their earlier conversation. She was serious now, amusement gone, staring at him as if she were trying to pry every secret from him just by looking. The intensity of her stare made him shift in his seat. What was she even looking for?

It takes a moment before she softens her gaze. Did she succeed? The way her lips gently turned upwards it certainly gave the impression.

He didn´t like the way she smiled. It was cold, calculating and not at all how a smile should look like.

“I think we are done here for now” He recognized the finality in her voice as she started to arrange the folders on the table into a bag.

But she had promised him answers, and there was one more question he wanted an answer to.

“did you bring him that soup?”

And for the second time that day, the question made someone laugh. He decided that Izayas laugh was nicer than hers, if only because it stopped sooner.

But when she looks at him again her smile isn´t cold anymore.

“I did”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all thank you for your feedback, it means a lot to me to see that people actually enjoy my work *(^o^)*
> 
> So a bit more of Kanra in this chapter. I hope you like her, cause she´s going to show up a bit more. (I felt a tad too guilty to leave Izaya suffering all alone until Shizuo stops being a dumb-ass.) 
> 
> See ya my lovelies <3


	6. Conflict

After the conversation with the policewoman a strange calm settled over him. Having someone tell him what to do wasn´t that bad, especially when he didn´t know what to do himself.

_Just stay away from him._

Staying away from someone confined to a sick bed should´t be too hard now should it? Well apparently fucking not, as he didn´t even manage to make it 4 days before seeking out Shinra´s help again.

Frowning down at the blood staining his shirt he wondered for a moment if a regular doctor would be able to fix this up. But a regular doctor would ask questions. _How did you_ _get shot? How are you still standing?_ A regular doctor might call the cops and then they would ask even more stupid questions.

He´d patch himself up, if it weren´t for the bullet still lodged somewhere within his stomach. Leaving it inside would probably be dangerous, even for him. At least he thinks so, he isn´t a doctor after all.

And so he found himself standing in front of Shinras door for the third time this week. He hesitated before ringing the doorbell. _Well that´s one first._

And another first right after that, a boy opening the door instead of Shinra or Celty. Mika- something wasn´t it? Wasn´t he the hand stab kid? Well whatever his name was, he looked surprised to see him.

“Heiwajima-san what are you doing here?”

“I got shot.”

“Can´t you... go to the hospital maybe?”

Now it was his turn to be surprised. _Is this fuckin kid actually trying to send him away?_ He had to stop himself from growling at him. His Anger must be visible because hand stab kid was nervously squirming in the doorway now.

“It´s just … Orihara-San is here and he´s kinda injured so I thought… maybe you-”

Deciding to not listen to the stammering defense anymore he pushes past him, this time slipping off his shoes before making his way into the living room.

“Heiwajima-san I really think that-”

God can this kid shut up already? It´s not like he would actually hurt Izaya like this.

“Shizuo-kun what can we do for you?”

For once he´s grateful for Shinra´s interruption, because it means that he doesn´t have to punch the kid. He doesn´t like punching kids.

“I got shot” He repeats his answer from before.

“Well sit down, I´ll get my equipment. And please try not to get blood on the couch.”

Looking around for the first time he notices that annoying kid isn´t the only visitor. His blonde friend and some other blue haired kid are also visiting. Not wanting to talk to either of them he sits down as far as possible, removing his vest first to hold it against the bloody hole inside him.

It doesn´t take long for Shinra to come back and start poking inside him to find the bullet. He really hates this part, but sadly there doesn´t seem to be a way around it.

Annoying kid sits back down, still staring at him, but his companions distract him soon enough.

The click of a door opening should´t be loud enough to notice in a room of talking people. But still he feels his breathing halt in his chest, suddenly to heavy to make the way back up his throat.

_Izaya_

He looks better than last time, though not by much. His skin was still pale but the bruises were fading, and the shadows under his cheeks weren´t quite as deep anymore.

But those fleeting sings of recovery don´t hold anything to the shock of seeing Izaya in a wheelchair. It should have been obvious. He should have been prepared for this, but he wasn´t, not even a little. It hits him harder than the bullet that was now resting on a metal tray beside him.

He only gets a moment to stare at the raven before he´s moving again, being pushed by an unusually quiet pair of twins- well unusual for one of them. He gazes into nothingness for a while before registering that his person of interest wasn´t even there anymore.

When his eyes find him again he´s transferring from the wheelchair into an armchair. His sisters are holding him up, but the pain is still unmistakable on his face and when he sits down his breathing is heavy, his hair shifting around his face with the movement of his chest.

It was shorter than last time but not as short as he was used to, the upper strands long enough to form a small ponytail at the back of his head, the rest of it blending together with his equally black turtleneck.

“Just how long are you planning on staring at me Shizu-chan?”

His voice sounds better too, as annoying as it was.

“Hello? Anyone home?”

His left hand moves to give gesture to his words, but he might as well not have spoken them for all the attention they got. It´s his hand that draws all of it in. Still bandaged, still the same slender fingers that knew their way around blades a little to well, only that there were four of them.

He keeps staring at the empty spot, not entirely sure if this was real. But all the blinking and recounting wouldn’t help. Four fingers. Four fingers and a weird stump where his ring finger was supposed to be.

“Told you it was the yakuza”

A quick glance at the three boys told him it was the blonde one talking, the blue haired one looking too bored, the annoying one too embarrassed.

“You can´t just say such things Kida-kun!”

So the blonde one is called Kida. Though he has to agree with hand stab kid- Kida was being a bit rude. But then again Izaya could have very well fucked up his life too.

“You´re just upset you lost the bet Mikado. Pay up already”

 _Huh?_ Did they actually bet on who kidnapped the flea? What kind of messed up- Okay Izaya definitely fucked him over at some point.

“Now, now I didn´t confirm the yakuza thing yet Kida-kun. Let me hear the other bets first~”

 _HUH?_ Was Izaya actually fine with them betting on his life? God knows what Shizuo would do to someone who so openly disrespected him.

“I said you made this up because you were embarrassed by losing to Heiwajima-san”

The blue haired one answered without even a shred of sympathy. Just how many people did Izaya piss off?

Mikado remained quiet, obviously shocked his companions would state their hatred so openly.

“And what do you think Ryuugamine-kun? What have I been up to this past year?”

He hesitated, but answered none the less.

“The yakuza would not be this quiet, if you betray them they make a show out of it to scare others. If you were just hiding you wouldn’t come back injured, not unless something happened. So I think it was someone with a personal motive, information or revenge most likely.”

“Well I guess it´s you who has to do the paying up Kida-kun~”

His voice was still teasing, but there was a hint of coldness to it now. A coldness that Shizuo had seen only once before and was not interested in ever seeing again.

He is more than used to being angry, but being the one someone else was angry at was something else entirely, something he hasn´t experienced since breaking his mothers favorite vase in third grade. Sure there were some thugs angry at him for whatever but those he could just punch away, not needing to deal with the underling cause, not needing to think about what they said, and weather there was any truth to it.

“Are you… angry Orihara-San?”

So the kid picked it up too. Maybe he wasn´t all that annoying. Out of the three of them he was the only one even vaguely apologetic. And not wanting an injured person around their worst enemy was reasonable too, even if inconvenient for himself.

“Am I angry~” It was more of a sing-song mockery of mikados concern, only supported by his chuckle. “Am I angry? How about this: I speak four languages fluently, and I can make do in another three. Yet even with all these words and all their possible combinations I can simply not express how much I want to _slap_ you right now.”

Now the other two seemed to have noticed their mistake as well, sitting up from their previously relaxed positions. Even Mairu and Kururi shared a concerned look. The only person in the room who remained completely unfazed was Shinra, still focusing on cleaning his wound.

“I mean i´m suddenly really starting to understand Shizu-chan because if I _could_ throw a vending machine at you I _would_.”

Now even Shinra looks up from his work

“Please don´t kill anyone in my living room Izaya-kun. Celty should come home soon and I don´t want to upset her”

“So does that mean I can kill them in the hallway or?”

_Fuckin smart-ass._

But by now at least Kururi has gotten over her initial shock at Izayas outburst, tugging at his sleeve before whispering something he could barley make out.

“Friend”

Her way of talking still confused the shit out of him, but Izaya seems to understand her perfectly. He´s probably the only person beside Mairu who understands her.

”Fine. No killing today. You happy?”

“Happy”

She supports the words with a hug. It looks awkward with him sitting down and her standing, but neither of them seem to care and soon enough Mairu joins them as well. This might be the first time that he´s seen Izaya display any sort of affection.

“Now it´s about time you head home, you got school tomorrow.”

So Izaya could act like a big brother after all. A week ago this would have shocked him but now it was just one more piece of the puzzle that was Izayas humanity.

He could laugh, he could get angry, he could do good and he could care about someone. Even more so he could get hurt in a way that Shizuo never will again, not since he was a teenager and broke his last bone. He didn´t even know it back then, and now he couldn´t remember what it was anymore. An arm maybe? 

After a bit of whining the high school students all make their way home, taking their conversations with them. The silence that followed lingered uncomfortably in the room.

Did it really take this long to bandage a simple shot wound? He really wanted to get out of here right now, before all this guilt made him do something stupid.

_Just ignore him. He´s not even here_

At this point the words barley mean anything to him anymore. How could he not think of him with all that he´s learned about him. He wasn´t who Shizuo thought he was, he knew that by now. But that still left him with the question: who was he? What kind of person was Izaya really, behind all the lies and facades?

And did that person deserve what he´s done to them? What he allowed to happen, what he was indirectly responsible for?

He really didn´t need to ask, did he? No one deserves to have their fingers cut off, or their legs rendered useless.

He stared down at his own hands. How would it feel to loose a finger? He tried to imagine it, but even the thought was just too uncomfortable. As if he was reading his mind the flea suddenly decided to speak up about the very same topic

“How long was it until my prostheses arrive?”

“Probably another four to five days. I know it´s hard but good work can´t be rushed.”

_Oh fuck dammit. Screw ignoring him._

“I´m sorry”

He regretted the words the moment he said them, cursing his inability to think before speaking. He could have just stayed silent, could have just walked out of here with his very first success in dealing with Izaya. But no, he just had to say something as half-arsed and useless as _I´m sorry._ At least Izaya seemed more unimpressed than angry this time.

“Really? I´ve heard more sincere apologies from Akira”

“Who´s that?”

Now Izaya looked like he regrets his choice of words, not meeting his eyes before hesitantly answering, his voice barley audible as if he wished the words to disappear.

“He was my captor.”

His captor. Everything about these words seemed so incredibly wrong, but even the screaming wrongness did nothing to overthrow the new understanding of the ravens previous statement.

_I´ve heard more sincere apologies from my captor_

He didn´t even know what it was about the words that made him angry, but they did. And anger always trumped rationality with him.

“I think I´m going to go back to my room now”

So now he was running again, like the pesky little flea that he is. _Not this time, I won´t let you_.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean flea?”

Izaya had already started moving, transferring back into his wheelchair, but this time the obvious sings of pain on his face carried a twisted satisfaction to them instead of the guilt he previously felt. Deep inside he knew that this was wrong, but the feeling was quickly swept away by rage

“That means I´m leaving Shizu-chan.”

_That condescending-_

“That´s not what I meant you bastard!”

He kept moving, ignoring Shizuo´s question, steering around the coffee table and getting closer to the lab. But just like the blonde had done a thousand times before he followed the other, not wanting him to escape again.

“Stop!”

“Make me”

That was all the invitation that he needed to roughly grab the others wheelchair and turn it to face him. His victory didn´t last long until Izaya started speaking again, his face twisted into that same cruel grin that he´s seen so often before.

“How many rumors do you think would be necessary to ruin your brothers career hmm? Maybe that he´s cheating on Ruri, or even better yet that he´s hitting her! How despicable of-”

The taunt was cut short by a strangled sound as he lifted Izaya by his throat, even the last bit of logical thinking leaving his mind at the mention of his brother.

But when he looks into the others eyes there´s not a hint of fear, not even the usual devilish spark he always seemed to carry.

No, the emotion in the others eyes was screaming at him, so cold, so sharp and so unlike his own yet still more familiar than anything else he had ever seen in Izaya. Like a wildfire meeting a blizzard they clashed, and for the shortest of moments he knew exactly how the other was feeling.

His movement didn´t come as surprise, the way he reached for a hidden blade, but he had always been that much faster than Shizuo and even now, even as injured as he was, this was no expectation.

What came as surprise however was the others aim this time, a sharp pain exploding inside him, a painlike he had never experienced before as he dropped Izaya to clutch at his wound. He stared down in shock at the silver hilt sticking out of his crotch.

“Did you just fucking stab my dick flea!”

But the target of his anger was in no position to defend himself anymore, sprawled across the floor in front of him, deep coughs leaving his lips as he was clawing at the neckline of his shirt.

He moves to pick him up again but even the last shred of wrath left him as he set eyes upon the colorful mess on the throat of his attacker, the green and yellow of healing bruises fading together with the red of freshly inflicted wounds, the shape of fingers unmistakable.

_Oh god no._

_Oh fucking god fuck no_

His own fingers were shaking now, and it felt like the flesh was turning within his skin. He didn´t dare to meet the others eyes, fixating on the floor in front of him instead.

_I did not just do that._

_I did not just hurt him the exact same way his captor hurt him_

He had to fight to keep the contends of his stomach down, horror settling in, leaving him nauseous and dizzy.

_I´m really nothing but a monster._

It´s only when Izaya speaks again that he looks up, noticing that he was back into his wheelchair, but still not looking into the others eyes, not able to move past the bruises now covered under his shirt again. Because all the fabric in the world wouldn’t be able to make him forget what he just saw, what he just did.

“I want that dagger back”

His voice is still weak, but the message is anything but that, the sound of a door slam just adding to it´s finality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are again (^^) 
> 
> Writing scenes with more characters is harder than I though, but I hope it turned out alright. The set up may seem a little random but basically Izaya invited his sisters, who told Aoba, who told Mikado, who told Kida, who didn´t really want to come but didn´t want Mikado to go without him. Yeah. 
> 
> I realize it does´t really look like it right now, but shizaya will happen. Eventually. They just gotta fight before they can make up because… reasons. 
> 
> Also: head-cannon that Shizuo is horrible with names, mostly because I am horrible with names and I demand representation. (No really most fictional characters are so good with names and I just think that´s unrealistic.)
> 
> Have a lovely day my lovely readers (>o<)


	7. Stiches

He doubted he had ever been in a position as awkward as this.

Even the rare times back when he was in the hospital with two broken arms and the nurses had to help him wash at least he had the comfort of knowing that he was no one to them, just another patient, nothing out of the ordinary. They´d forget him soon enough.

But even that last bit of comfort was taken from him now, as he sat with his pants down in front of Shinra. The Doctor didn´t seem to mind at all, if anything it looked like he enjoyed the way the blonde flinched when the needle entered his most sensitive body part. Shizuo would ask for pain killers, but he was pretty sure he´d be denied anyway.

“couldn´t just have stabbed my stomach”

He didn´t think his muttering would need acknowledged at all, but his supposed friend apparently disagreed with that

“would you have let him go if he stabbed your stomach?”

He frowned, not wanting to confirm the statement, but they both knew it would be true all the same.

“Probably not”

“See”

That stupid smugness was exactly why he didn´t want to say it. But given his current position, he didn´t want to scare the doctor away like he usually would. One wrong move and that needle would hurt even more.

And he did overreact, but honestly? What was the flea expecting when he threatened his brother? He must have known that it would cause him to explode and he did it anyway. Why did he always have to bring out the worst in him?

_Dumb-ass_

He doesn´t mean to say it out loud, but by the look on Shinras face he definitely did.

“You do realize he is high on pain killers, right?”

“What?”

“Izaya is currently on very strong pain medication for his amputation, he probably wasn´t fully aware of what he was saying, or what consequences he might face. He may not even remember your last conversation”

 _Oh fucking great._ He didn´t just strangle an injured man, he strangled an injured man for what he said while being high. Could he fall any lower?

Oh yeah, injuring said man in the exact same fashion he was attacked before, by the sicko who cut his finger off and imprisoned him for seven months.

He probably deserved to get himself stabbed in the dick. Hell, he probably deserved worse than that.

“Is he alright?”

He felt stupid just asking, but the doctor was with Izaya for too long for nothing to have happened. He briefly considered it was just to make him stand here and suffer, but all that blood is going to be a pain to clean up, and Shinra must be aware of that considering his experienced. A tile floor would probably be more practical given Shinra´s occupation.

“He´s vomiting but that could just as well be a side effect from the medication. You bruised him, but he reacted quickly enough that no serious damage was caused”

For a moment he was relieved, but if quickly turned to irritation as he though more about what he was told.

“And that took you 15 minutes to diagnose?”

“I had to make sure there was no brain damage.”

“ _brain damage?!”_

He couldn’t have choked Izaya for more that a few seconds, how could he get brain damage from that? Don´t people do that shit in porn all the time? Not that he liked that kind of stuff, but it sometimes came up on the page he visits when he´s feeling particular lonely and his imagination isn´t cutting it anymore.

“Strangulation is a very dangerous form of assault Shizou-kun. It can cause brain damage, blood clots, damage to the vocal cords, hallucinations and as you probably know, brain death from lack of oxygen. Most people faint after 10 seconds and a delayed death can occur days after the assault, even if the patient thinks he´s alright.”

Shinra was looking at him now, halting his work to give a stern lecture that would make Shizuo´s father proud, but while the words sunk in, the meaning of the last sentence made him shiver.

“So he could still be in danger?”

“I´m monitoring his vitals, so should something happen I can react accordingly, that said he´s stable right now and he reported no difficulty breathing, so he´ll probably be fine.”

So he didn´t cause too much damage at least. Though he still made a mental note not to choke anyone again. _Delayed death_. That just sounded abso-fucking-lutely horrifying. To think you could kill someone without even noticing, without even being in the same room when it happens.

Flinching at the sudden movement of the needle, he realized his treatment was almost over, the wound stitched together again. He was very glad the dagger hadn´t separated it entirely, only leaving a slash at the side and a stab wound in his lower abdomen.

Speaking of, said dagger was currently sitting on the same metal tray as the bullet he had been shot with. Since when did the informant swap his beloved switchblades for a dagger? And how did he keep an object this big hidden without wearing his usual jacket, which Shizuo had given up on figuring out and dubbed “weird ass knife pocket” about 9 years ago.

“ _I want that dagger back”_

The words echo in his head. Of all the knifes the flea had lost in their chases, what made this one so special? Sure it was prettier than the others, the silver hilt twisted in beautiful details, framing red stones sparkling in the light of Shinra´s living room. But that couldn’t be the only reason, could it? Or was the informant just being petty? He wound´t put it past him.

His curiosity awakened, he grabbed it to inspect it more closely. Through the bloodstains it looked like an inscription was cut into the blade. Wiping the rest of it on his already blood soaked shirt he was able to make out the words, even if not their meaning

_Ignis aurum probat, miseria fortes homines_

Of course the flea would carry something around written in a language no one knows. Hell he couldn’t even make out what language it was. Not Japanese or English, that much he knew. Fancy shit like this was usually Latin wasn´t it? Or maybe German, like that policewoman's name?

“You´re not planning on taking that, I hope.”

He still had to get used to this flatness in Shinra´s voice, the cheery facade finally crumbling. Even so, the honesty was refreshing. No need to second guess everything for a hidden meaning.

“Do you know what it means?”

The doctor looked at him in confusion, already finished with bandaging the new wound.

“What what means”

“The inscription on the blade”

He frowned at the offending dagger being shoved in his field of view before taking it away from the blonde. The understanding was obvious in his face but he still hesitated with his answer.

“I don´t think you need to know that”

Shinra set the blade back down on the metal tray, the cling echoing way too loud in the otherwise silent room.

“Why would I ask if I didn´t want to know it?”

_Dammit calm down, your temper ruined enough today Shizuo._

“I just want to know why he wants it back so much. He never wanted any other knife back, and he´s stabbed me plenty of times. It doesn´t make any sense. He doesn´t make any sense”

The doctor sighted and his head turned to the closed door of the makeshift infirmary that held his friend.

“It´s Latin. It means-“

“Since when do you speak Latin?”

He shouldn't´t have said that. Damn by now he could probably write a book of things he said that would be better off unspoken. He saw the title in his head _“Shizuo Heiwajima being an absolute dumb-ass”._ It would most likely be too long for him to ever consider reading it.

“I´m a doctor, of course I know Latin.” The other actually looked offended for once. That usually only happens when someone insults Celty. “As I was saying, it means as gold is tempered by fire, so strong men are tempered by suffering”

What a bullshit saying. Like there is any meaning in suffering besides misery. Yes, he got his own strength through the suffering of broken bones, but how much better off would he be if he didn´t have it. The suffering just created more suffering, more broken bones even if not his own, more fear, more loneliness and nothing more. Being strong just created more suffering.

Yet it sounded exactly like something Izaya would say. Like the way he always tried to get the worst out of everyone, causing so much hurt. Like there is some deep philosophy behind everything. Was this his intention for all that crap? His way of building people up?

Could´t he see that strength wasn´t something to be valued so highly? That there were far superior qualities like kindness or patience or loyalty. Not that he could count himself as particularly kind nor patient, but that only increased his appreciation of those who were, like Celty, Tom-San and Kasuka.

“Change the bandages after you shower, disinfect it regularly, watch out carefully for any signs of infection like redness, swelling, pain or fever. Should you notice anything call me immediately. And it goes without saying that you should not use it until the cut is fully healed.”

The Doctors instructions tear him out of his thoughts. He stares down at the white fabric wrapping uncomfortably around his shaft. So no jerking off for a while. This might be the most inconvenient injury he´s had in years. It only made sense that it would be inflicted by Izaya, even if he can´t really blame him for this one. He acted in self-defense after all.

Remember how he thought he was in the most awkward situation ever about 15 minutes ago? Well scratch that, because the awkwardness increased about 10 fold as he heard the sound of the front door opening.

It didn´t take a second for Shinra to rush to the door to welcome his beloved and smother her with his affection.

Said affection was appreciated for the first time as it gave Shizuo enough time to hastily tuck himself in and zip his trousers. Still the flush of embarrassment clung to his cheeks when Celty entered the living room. A flush that she sadly didn´t ignore.

_[Are you alright?]_

“just a minor injury, nothing to concern yourself with my love”

He shot Shinra a dark glare before answering himself.

“I tried to talk to Izaya, I got angry, I attacked him and he stabbed me”

He tried to sum up the situation with the fewest words possible.

_[Shizuo!]_

The dullahan was visibly upset, her frame shaking and smoke emitting from her neck as she typed. Was she actually concerned for him?

_[You can´t attack people who are disabled !]_

So she wasn´t concerned for him, but for Izaya. Of course she´s concerned for him, as a disabled person getting attacked by ikebukuros strongest his chances weren´t all that good. Expect, he´s too stubborn to die. He´s proven that time and time again. If he were anyone less annoying Shizuo would be impressed by his resilience.

But Celty knew that, she didn´t even express concerns when they both thought that Izaya was dead. She was still rightly mad about his involvement with hiding her head. So why was she concerned now? Were his injuries truly that bad? He really fucked up today, didn´t he?

“I know, I´m sorry.”

From the way she fumbled with her Phone, typing and erasing again he could tell she wasn´t sure how to respond.

“I´m not gonna do it again okay? Next time I´ll just ignore him.”

Now she wasn´t even trying to find words anymore, but she didn´t need to, the disbelieve evident in her posture. At least she´s being honest, even if it stung a little.

But in this moment he was sure he could never forget the image of the others throat, the remorse and horror of the realization he wasn´t that different from Izayas captor. Two monsters tormenting an arrogant wannabee god.

Would he still be arrogant after this? Would he try to act all powerful, all knowing again? He was still a smart ass, that much was confirmed today. But he also acted more impulsive, his usually carefully selected words swapped for sharp insults, as witty as they were.

There was an edge to him, as if there was a part of him that hasn´t fully realized that he´s not imprisoned anymore, like an animal backed into a corner biting and scratching at anything that came close. He didn´t mean to anger, he meant to hurt. And he knew exactly where to poke, where his opponent was the weakest.

The Policewoman was right after all, staying away from him altogether would have been the safest course of action, for everyone involved.

_[Next time, text me so I can come with you and make sure no-one gets hurt (^^)]_

She was too pure for this world. Caring for him even after such a fuck up, caring for Izaya after all that he did to her.

But that only confirmed his suspicion that the informants injury were worse than what was visible. Assuming he wasn´t lying, the wheelchair was because of Shizuo. So just what did that guy do to him, to upset both Shinra and Celty so much?

“Is he really hurt that bad?”

She stiffened at the question, and next to her Shinra did the same, just with the added facial expression of someone trying to choose the better outcome between getting eaten by sharks and drowning in saltwater.

Celty was the first to recover, typing a response that was cut off as Shinra grabbed her arm to stop her from showing it to Shizuo.

“He´s still my patient, and he has the same rights to medical confidentiality as any other.”

_So he´d rather anger me than Izaya. Now that´s a first._

_[Sorry (-_-)]_

So he wasn´t getting anything out of either of them anymore. Might as well go home and try to figure out more without any distraction expect the crushing weight of remorse.

“It´s alright. I was just about to leave.”

“Please do~”

Of course that would make him happy, but only for a split second before his lovers elbow find his ribs to reprimand his rudeness.

Reaching out to touch his shoulder she accompanied him to the apartment entrance. Once there her helmet turned back to the hallway, as if to make sure Shinra wasn´t observing their conversation. It wasn´t like her to keep secrets from him, what was she-?

_[I was there to pick him up, you know?]_

So she did want to tell him more, well he´s not complaining. Giving her a brief nod to make sure she continued he instinctively moved closer to shield their secret.

_[He was a mess. There was so much blood, so many cuts. He flinched at every touch]_

She shuddered, as if trying to shake the memory away

_[He woke up screaming the last few days. I´ve never heard anyone scream like that.]_

She wraps her arms around herself, and he wants to reach out and comfort her but looking down at his hands just leaves him nauseous again.

“I´ll try not to hurt him again”

He doesn´t know whom he is trying to convince, himself or her. But he knows that he longs for the words to be true, to prove that he could be more than this, that the wouldn’t attack someone as hurt as Izaya was right now.

Not for Izaya´s sake, but for the sake of his own humanity.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m so sorry this one took so long, work is being a bitch right now (9_9)   
> (Also i was half asleep while editing this but i didn´t want to keep you waiting anymore) 
> 
> Obligatory reminder that I am not a doctor and any medical information is from the first few results from google. Also I know not all doctors learn Latin, but Shinra takes his job very serious so he did. (idc if it ain´t cannon, it´s cannon here.)
> 
> Let me know what you think, and once again have a lovely day (^-^)*


	8. New beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again my lovely readers (^-^)/* 
> 
> I´ve had quite some eventful months and thus didn't get to write as much as i wanted to, but here we are with the longest chapter yet 
> 
> enjoy (°u°)

After that he kept true to his promise, texting Celty whenever he got shot so she´d be able to interfere if one of them stepped out of line. Days passed by, and then weeks, then a month. 

He didn't see him, not even once, not even a glance. He had a feeling Izaya was avoiding him on purpose. Not that he could blame him, it was probably a good strategy to stay away from your enemies when vulnerable. 

He still had so many questions for the other. What happened to him? Why did it happen? Who was this Kira guy, and more importantly where was he now? 

The thought of someone being out there, someone who had managed to capture Izaya, the Izaya Orihara and keep him for seven months sent chills down his spine. He may be weakened by the injuries from their fight, but he was still Izaya. He knew how to manipulate, and he mastered the art of talking to a point at which he could sell the devil a bible. 

Hand-stab kid said it was probably someone with a personal motive, but what kind of misdeed warranted seven months of what could only be presumed to be torture. Hurting someone in the spur of a moment he could understand well enough, but this was something else entirely. This would have to be calculated, planned out. This required a special motivation, one Izaya hadn't even been able to instill in his proclaimed worst enemy. 

And he still didn't even know what exactly the guy did to him. He knew that both Shinra and Celty were shocked by it. He knew that the guy was fucked up enough to cut off someone's finger, which only leaves him to imagine what else he was capable of doing.

Hell why did he even want to know? He spent years without thinking about any injuries Izaya may have suffered from their chases. The fact that he didn't kill him should have been enough to keep him from his mind. But nonetheless the questions won't seem to leave him alone. He hasn't seen him in five weeks, yet not a day goes by without thinking about him. 

He just couldn’t understand him any-more. He never really understood him, he just pretended he did. And it was so easy, so convenient to just cast him off as some evil villain who could be blamed for everything. To finally have a match, a person who he could go all out on without fearing the outcome.

A person who wouldn’t ever be afraid of him, no matter what he did. The people around him could pretend, but he saw it in the way Celty went stiff, the way Tom stepped back, the way Kasuka´s neutral expression turned just the slightest bit wary. They were afraid of him, afraid of angering him. They still cared for him, he didn't doubt that for a second. 

But there was something so relieving in the way Izaya never backed down, not even now, not even confined to a wheelchair. 

It took him a while to see past the guilt that overshadowed all the other things he saw during that night, yet when he finally did he was overwhelmed by the complicated mess the Informant had made of his feelings. He almost wished the guilt to become stronger again. Almost. 

Over this past year he realized Izaya held a place in his life that was more than just a nuisance. And over the past month he was left to wonder how this position would change now that he was back. 

He knew he didn't want them to continue the way they were right now. On the other hand, he also didn't think that they could go back to the way they were before all this happened. Just the thought of the way he hurt Izaya during their last meeting turned his stomach. The image of skin painted red ,blue and yellow by bruises still haunts him, to know he was hurt like this before by that kira bastard. 

He didn´t know why he felt such a desperate need to separate himself from him. He never even met him, but it still left him terrified. To think that after all that the flea had been through, he would still consider him a monster. That he would consider the two of them to be on the same scale. 

So what happens now? They can't just continue ignoring each other forever. That became even more evident when he received Celty's invitation.

A party. For what exactly, he wasn't sure, but it wouldn’t be the first time they just invited people for the fun of it. 

What would be the first time however, was Izaya´s presence. It would be the first time they see each other since the incident. Would, because he still wasn't sure if he was going to attend. 

He wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him, but what he wanted and what was best to do often conflicted. But then again just seeing him could still be interpreted as ignoring, as long as he doesn´t say anything stupid. 

And if he did say something stupid, at least this time Celty would be there. They never fought, but he was confident her abilities would make her able to stop him—or Izaya for that matter.

For this reason he decided to accept, on the condition that she doesn't leave him during the evening. One that she quickly accepted. 

Subsequently he found himself sitting in their apartment once again, anticipating the arrival of a certain raven-haired male while dreading it at the same time. He honestly thought Izaya would be here already, considering he was still living there so Shinra could oversee his treatment.

At first he thought that the other was just continuing to ignore him, but Shinra informed him that he would join them later, as he had an appointment this afternoon. He very much hoped said appointment was something legal, getting back into underground business in his condition would be absurdly stupid. But then again, so was angering the physically strongest person in Ikebukuro, and he had no qualms about that either. 

The room slowly filled up around him, the kids from last month coming back, Kadota and his gang, as well as some more people he only recognized from Shinra´s and Celty´s last party. 

By now an entire hour since the start already passed, and there was still no sign of him. What kind of appointment took place at 8 on a Saturday evening? This just reeked of shadiness. 

He tried to forget, to stop thinking about him but one attempt after the other failed. This is hopeless. How was he supposed to ignore him when he couldn’t even stop thinking about him while he was out presumably doing some stupid shit. Maybe it would be better if he just-

Of course, of fuckin course the flea would pick this exact moment to finality make his entrance. Rolling in like he owned the place. Well not really rolling, he was being shoved by the policewoman whose name he would really like to remember right now. Still, he was grateful she was here to keep the both of them from doing something stupid. At least he hoped so, she seemed quite intend to keep them separated before. 

This time he didn't even have to listen, the whole room tensed at their arrival, multiple people exchanging worried looks, directed at either him or Izaya. The sudden silence left an uncomfortable feeling in his gut, the weight of expectations resting heavily upon his shoulders. 

His gratefulness for her presence only increased as the woman spoke up to break the silence, even if her cheery approach felt slightly out of place. 

“Hello everyone, I´m Kanra Orihara Morgenstern, it's a pleasure to meet you” The introduction was accompanied by a graceful bow. 

_-Wait WHAT?_

Kanra Orihara? Orihara? When the _fuck_ did the flea get married? He's only seen this woman once and she's his wife? How did that happen? _When_ did that happen? And how come no one ever mentioned it? 

Not to mention that she kept her maiden name, which was almost unheard of. Do they make expectations to foreign names? Though he definitely took her for the type of woman who would want to keep her name.

“You´re supposed to say the last name first Kanra-chan”

She rolls her eyes at that, her hip shifting the hem of her dress around her tights. The two of them made a weird pair, both dressed in long sleeved all black despite the heat of middle may. He guessed he could cut her some slack for the short dress, even if the high black socks looked anything but temperature appropriate. He himself had almost left his usual waistcoat and bow tie at home, frustrated with the heat, but going without them felt too weird.

“It sounds better this way”

Not the smartest resort, but at least their bickering loosened the atmosphere a little.

“You´ll never learn, will you?” Izaya could have come right out of a winter night, having topped his crimson turtle-neck with a black vest, fingerless gloves covering the hands resting on his wheelchair. Seeing him like this was still a shock, even though it wasn't a surprise anymore. Guilt pangs in his chest, a flash of a memory passing through his mind, a throat covered in bruises and he could almost imagine the very same bruises still hiding just underneath his collar. 

“Not even trying~”

Her voice shook him out of his thoughts. It reminded him so much of Izaya, he almost double checked it was her talking and not him. Well they definitely had their similarities, no wonder they ended up together. Said similarities only become more evident when she leaned forward to smirk at him. Seeing them face to face they could pass off as siblings. 

“Izaya-kun, Kanra-chan how nice of you to finally join us” Not even he was stupid enough to miss the passive aggressiveness behind the statement.

“Please excuse our belatedness Shinra-Sensei, I did not anticipate that much traffic”

That might have been the first time he heard anyone refer to Shinra as a doctor. But then she did say she trusted his judgment, so they must have known each other for some time. How come he never brought her up? Like _hi, did you know your worst enemy has a wife waiting for him at home?_

The thought left him with a bitter feeling that he couldn’t quite place. He could almost imagine it, Izaya walking through the door of his way too expensive apartment after one of their chases, her welcoming him with a kiss. Them eating together, falling asleep in each other's arms. The image burned in his mind while leaving him strangely cold. 

“ _Liar~”_

His accusation visibly caught her off-guard. So they weren't completely in sync at least.

“We´re late because I didn´t want to come in with my face all numb and watch you eat. ”

Even so, it seemed to calm Shinra down.

“Did everything go well?”

Hearing him concerned for anything but Celty was still strange. Guilt can really change a lot can´t it? _Of course it can, just look at yourself._ Sitting not even 5 meters away from your worst enemy, glad that he brought back up so you won't beat him up. 

The flea was enjoying his friend newfound caring, showing off a grin that was exaggerated even by Izaya's standards before answering. “All there, almost as good as before”

It slowly dawned on him that Izaya's appointment was at a dentist. Only makes sense after seven months of not caring for his teeth. Damn that must have been a horrible couple of hours. He vaguely remembers that one time he got cavities in third grade. One appointment was all it took to keep him brushing religiously twice a day. The fact that his teeth grew stronger with his bones probably helped as well, but he preferred to think it was because of his actions. 

“Well sit down then, we`ve been waiting long enough.” 

“A minute for a proper hello is not going to make it worse then is it?”

With these words Kanra maneuvered around the wheelchair to step in front of Shinra and… hugged him? What? did they really know each other _that_ well? 

Next to him Celty stiffened. It was very obvious she was not pleased with the newcomer's proximity to her partner. Though he was not entirely sure why. She was _married_ after all. 

With his attention on her he now noticed another detail that might be the cause for Celty´s discomfort. 

“You actually brought your guns?”

Izaya called her out just as he was about to. But if they were together all day how did he not notice that before? They were right there on her chest, even if the black blended in. She didn't actually wear a coat in this weather, did she? 

“Considering that between the two of us we probably pissed off about 80% of the population of this city, you should be grateful.”

He watched the Informants face change from wanting to object to begrudging acceptance. Not even Izaya could argue with that. And if she was just half as annoying as him, it was very much necessary. Still he was annoyed for his friend's sake. He knew how scared she got around the police, could see the uneasiness in her posture.

“Can't you put them away now?”

He knows she´ll object the second he says the words, knows she's brought them because of him. But he can't help but try to ease Celty's discomfort. 

“Is there a problem I´m unaware of?” 

Why smile at all if it's going to look as fake as that. _Fucking Annoying_

“My poor Celty-chan had some bad run ins with the Traffic-Department, they just don't understand she's too magnificent to need a license”

Leave it to Shinra to explain the situation in the worst way possible. Her expression turned into one of bewilderment, eyebrows raised almost all the way to her hairline. 

He really didn't get how his friend could be so patient with Shinra´s... well… with everything Shinra did honestly. 

“It´s a magical headless horse, where is she even supposed to get a fucking license for that!”

_Fuck._ He was getting angry. _This isn't good, not good at all. Calm down Shizuo, ten, nine, eight, seven, six-_

“I must apologize on behalf of my colleagues, I suppose our traffic department is not really equipped to handle magical headless horses. I´ll try my best to find a solution next Monday.” 

That was quite far from the reaction he expected, but at least she was trying. For whose sake, he didn't really know, but he did appreciate the effort to keep the peace. 

She shares a look with her husband that he can't quite decipher. He knows he appears uncomfortable, but beyond that their silent communication is lost to him.

“But, given the… history between your guests, i´d prefer to be able to hold my ground in case a fight breaks out, I'm sure you understand. If it helps, you´re welcome to imagine that i´m actually some shady underground bodyguard” 

_How is that even supposed to help? Like at all?_ Who would even hire a woman as small as her as Bodyguard? As much as he respected the police and their training -she barley reached Shinra`s shoulder. She'd have to be damn good to look threatening like that. – wait

Wasn´t she taller the last time they met? He was pretty sure he didn't have to look that far down on her. Or did he imagine that? 

_[it's alright, I understand your wish to keep it.]_

Just like Celty to put everyone's needs above her own. But the gesture seemed unappreciated as Kanra narrowed her eyes at the dullahan. He couldn’t help but get offended in her name. 

“what the fuck´s that look for?”

Her squinting turned into confusion at his remark, until Izaya cleared it up. 

“She wrote: it´s alright, I understand your wish to keep it, and you should really get glasses already” 

_Oh._ She just couldn't read it. Damn he really needs to learn to calm down

“My vision is fine” She actually sounded offended at his suggestion. 

“You should head back into elementary school to learn reading then”

So she isn't exempt from Izaya's condescension either. Well, he doubted Izaya was capable of being non-snobbish for just one day, no, just one hour of his life. 

At least this time it didn't seem to go unpunished as she leaned forward and whispered something in his ear that left him with an expression he could only explain as the “I fucked up” look. Shizuo really longed to know just what she said to get him to shut up like that. Judging by her almost sadistic looking grin, it wasn't pretty.

“Well then if you could finally sit down please” Shinra`s overly cheerful tone rang through the room. 

“already am~”

Izaya vaguely gestured towards his wheelchair.

He had to choke down a laugh, luckily unnoticed. 

None the less the newcomers made their way to an unoccupied couch in the back of the room. This time he purposefully didn't watch Izaya transfer, wanting to avoid the guilt of seeing him in pain again. 

At the same time, Celty stood up from her seat next to him. For a moment he was scared she was going to leave him, but she just made her way over to where the doctor was standing. He wrapped his arm around her waist and for once she didn't appear uncomfortable at his open display of affection, though he could still see the smoke rising out of her neck in curls. Her version of blushing. They stood in silence for a short moment before Shinra spoke up

“Hello together. As most of you know my beloved and i have been dating for some time now, so we have gathered you here today to formally announce our engagement”

It didn't take long for the room to be filled with cheers and people were rushing to congratulate them. He sat back for now, not wanting to get into the chaos that erupted from the announcement. 

Between the gaps of people he could see the Orihara couple still sitting down. Well if he didn't want to squeeze through people what should a wheelchair-user say. Even so they both smiled, at least until he leaned over to tell her something he couldn't hear through the noise. 

Whatever he said, his wife did not seem happy about it as she reached for her bag and… pulled out her checkbook? What? 

The realization dawned on him as she started writing. 

“You fuckers actually bet on this?!”

His voice sounded louder than expected as the first people had started sitting down already.

They didn't even have the decency to look ashamed. 

“It´s clear the moment you meet them, you just have to find someone stupid enough to bet against it.” 

“go tell me that if a 13 year old bets you that his 14 year old friend gets married to a headless grown up woman you´d say no.” Kanra accompanies her statement with an exasperated look.

His smirk already tells all he wants to say as he holds out his hand. 

Despite him being an annoying fuck she still quickly recovers her calm and finishes writing before giving him the check. He looks over it once before speaking up again. Why even be married if you have separate bank accounts? Then again, she obviously didn't give up her job either, though the flea certainly had enough money. 

“Congratulations on your engagement. Please accept this gift to help with your wedding”

He holds the paper out to them, clearly having no intentions of getting up. 

Celty takes it with her shadows, pulling it close enough for both of them to read. Her helmet moves down to look at the paper before looking back at Izaya-kun. She hands the paper to her fiance so she can pull out her phone to type.

He can't read what she´s written but by her reaction his best guess is that she's shocked at the amount of it. He knew the flea was crazy rich, but Shinra and Celty weren't really bad off either so this must be a decent sum.

“Absolutely”

The reply came without a hint of hesitation. He wished he could support his friends like that, but between his low-paying job and the regular bills for destroyed property his financial situation was not anywhere near being able to give away money. 

“How did either of you even have that much money to bet back then?” Shinra inquired.

She did say Izaya was 13 when they placed the bet, and judging by the looks she´d be around that age as well, maybe a bit older. The two of them exchanged a pair of mischievous grins at the question.

“Completely legally, i assure you”

How a police officer could suggest themselves doing something illegal in such a shameless manner he would probably never understand. When she was a teenager no less. Didn't she see what a bad example she was setting? Maybe they deserved each other after all.

_God dammit this is all so fucking — just ugh_

Shizuo needs a smoke, and soon. Short congratulations are exchanged before he heads out, desperate for the comfort that the Nicotine offers, desperate to get away from the crowd and the noise testing his patience. 

The evening still hasn't cooled down, the heat stuck between the skyscrapers rising around them. At least the wind offered some comfort, one perk of being so high up. 

Closing the door behind him feels like relief, exchanging voices for the ever present city noises. The screeching of brakes, followed by a drawn out honk, Neon lights flashing in the distance as if they could compare to the setting sun, painting the sky golden and pink. 

Lighting the cigarette wasn't even conscious anymore, he's done this a thousand times before. The familiar taste that did so little to actually calm him down, as proved by his habit of breaking them when angered. And what an expensive habit that was. 

He almost did it again when he heard that goddamned door open behind him again, but it quickly shut, the intruder apparently not wanting to be disturbed either. 

As he looks up from the city she's leaning on the railing beside him, leaving as much distance as possible given the limited space of the balcony. Kanra doesn't acknowledge him at first, taking her time to blow out a puff of steam from one of those weird electronic cigarettes. 

Surprisingly it doesn't smell as shit as the regular ones. 

When she does turn towards him it is done slowly, deliberately, her head resting on her hand. The pale skin is contrasted by a black ring in the form of a snake, winding around her index finger. Why did both of them always wear their rings on the wrong finger? It's called a ring finger for a reason, idiots. 

“You know, if you were just going to disregard my advice anyway, you could have told me so.”

“i…” He speakers up, wanting to defend himself, but he knows it's useless. 

“I didn't mean to”

The words burn in his mouth as they always do, from that very first incident with his brother. 

“Of course you didn't” 

He can't really make out the meaning, whether it was spiteful or remorseful or something else entirely, and her face being turned away didn't help either. 

For a while neither of them speaks, smoke filling the air around them. He's still envious of the good-smelling smoke, but knowing himself that thing wouldn't last a month in his possession. 

“Do you ever break your own things, or is it just public property”

“What do you care about my things?”

Something about her demeanor didn't sit right with him. He felt like she was trying to pick him apart, trying to judge him.

“Just pure curiosity, one does not meet superhumans everyday, you know?”

He could tell she was trying to calm his worries, to coax an answer out of him. Her smile seemed nice at first glance, but he had always trusted his gut more, and it was telling him that she was not to be messed with. briefly he wondered, where was she before all this happened? Why didn't she step in sooner?

Still, he didn't know how to avoid this question. He was never skilled in talking, might as well be honest.

“The Handyman is on speed dial, if that answers your question”

It was true, he could´t count how many doors he had broken in his lifetime. He was rather lucky no one dared to rob Ikebukero´s strongest yet. 

“Interesting”

Tch. How is him breaking shit interesting? 

“ I'll head back in, should I close the door?

He stared down at the burned down cigarette. Three more left for the rest of the night, using them all at once would´d be wise. Getting another pack was an option he would like to avoid, considering his budget.

“No, I´m coming too.”

Once inside he notices the seating arrangement having shifted, as to be expected with so many people around. Celty and Shinra shared a loveseat, currently conversing with Izaya across from them. He definitely didn't want to get between that, and luckily he didn't have to, two chairs still open next to Kadota who was furiously arguing with Erika and Walker, something about fire that he really didn't need nor want to hear. 

Alas, the chair across from him didn't remain empty for long as his smoking companion joined him yet again.

Was she trying to get on his nerves? Or maybe just to watch him, to make sure he's keeping his distance? Not that it was really necessary, he learned his lesson the last time. 

From the way she kept staring, even while pouring wine, he almost suspected she was trying to subtly threaten him. 

“May I offer you some wine?”

The bottle made a dull sound as she set it down and even though his experience as bartender was short lived, he could tell it wasn`t cheap. Didn't stop it from tasting like shit though. 

“I don't drink wine”

That cheered her up at least

“More for me~” 

Even the way she talked mirrored Izaya's. That stupid, annoying sing-song voice that made him want to smash his head in with a stop sign. 

Calm down, keep it together Shizuo. It's just a way of talking, it doesn't hurt anyone. But it did hurt, knowing how much time they must spend together for her to have picked up that habit. Or was he the one who picked it up? Why did Izaya get someone to care for him, someone to come home to. 

And how could he be so reckless, to try and throw all that away, all for a childish feud. He could have died that night, that much was sure. 

The silence between them grows uncomfortable. desperate to break it, he opts for the dread that was smalltalk, if only to satisfy his curiosity

“So… how'd you two meet?”

She twirls the wineglass in her hand while raising an eyebrow at him.

“Me and who?”

He's not sure if she's just teasing or actually serious. 

“You and Izaya”

Her Eyebrows rise even further at the question. How can someone even get that flexible face muscles? He could barely raise one without also lifting the other.

“in a Hospital somewhere in the outskirts of Tokyo. The maternity ward, to be specific”

“What´s the flea doing in a maternity ward?”

The question left her looking even more confused

“He was… born there…?” 

She raised the glass with the foul smelling liquid to her lips.

“You were there at your husband's birth?”

He watched as confusion turned to Shock turned to a coughing fit as she tried to keep the wine from spilling out of her mouth. The room turned to stare at the sudden outburst.

“Now how did you manage that?” 

Izaya sounded more curious than mad. Shizuo himself however was starting to get mad at the unreasonable reactions he was facing

“i just asked why she was there at your birth.”

A look of understanding briefly passed his face before turning to laughter. That same laughter he had only heard once before, not malicious, not evil, just plain laughter echoing through the otherwise silent room. He was proud of himself for not punching him yet. 

“ _Oh mein Gott_ ” by now Kanra had recovered, even if she still held her face in her hands and looked anything but happy. 

“What he fuck is going on?”

“We're siblings you…! “ she bit her tongue from spilling the intended insult, which only made Izaya laugh harder.

Oh _fuck_ . duh. they´re siblings, how the fuck did he not see that? wait, how the fuck did he not _know_ that? He met Izaya when they were about 15 and he never mentioned a third sister. As if two weren't enough already. 

“You have three siblings?”

“Four actually”

Izaya´s laughing fit was fading, but he was obviously still amused.

Another one? what the? How did he never see nor hear anything about those two? How?

“You actually thought i would date... _that_?”

She gestured vaguely in the direction of the informant while looking thoroughly disgusted. He couldn't blame her, he probably would punch anyone who dared suggest him and Kasuka dating into the next millennium.

“Hey!”” 

Her Brother did not seem to share the sentiment, as he actually had the gall to sound offended.

“I´m sorry”

Shizuo may not like accepting he was wrong, but this one definitely called for an apology. Her gaze softened, though she was obviously still irritated.

“HEY!”

they turned their heads simultaneously at the aggravated Informant

“I´ll have you know that dating me is a luxury”

goddamned narcissistic snob.

“i was a little more concerned with the incest part of that statement. you know, _little brother_?”

She dragged the last words to empathize her point

“acceptable i guess”

Despite the statement he still did not look pleased, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

Shizuo was still left confused at the general situation.

“How come I never saw you at school or something?”

“We´re half-siblings. Our father raised me and Hibiya in Germany. I moved here at 21 of my own accord”

She put the glass down in front of her- a smart choice probably. 

“So your brother´s still in germany?”

“He´s Stabsunteroffizier in the Air Force” The pride was unmistakable in her voice

“It's corporal in japanese” 

Now it was izaya's turn to act annoyed. Was he actually jealous?

“corporal could also mean unteroffizier”

so smartass runs in the family. How unsurprising, though still disappointing.

“so one´s a cop, one´s a soldier and one´s a professional dickhead. your family gatherings must be a blast”

he could´d disagree with the blonde teens statement. though he doubted being a dickhead counts as a profession. 

“A lot less so since Shinra banned knife fights"

at least she had humor.

“i didn't ban them, i just said i wouldn't patch you up anymore.”

-Alright, screw it they're maniacs. All of them.

“so you really consider a professional killer and a professional captor morally superior to someone who sells information?”

Izaya rests his head on his arm, gazing at Kida with an unnerving curiosity.

“you're twisting their occupations to make yourself look better. They're helping people, you just want to ruin lifes”

“No, he's got a point, the majority of our work is locking people up. The right people, yes but we still ruin a considerable amount of lives. Not to mention the fucked up things that happen in the army”

She mirrored Izaya's stance, head on her arm, waiting for a reaction. And a reaction she´ll get.

“What the fuck”

He couldn't believe her. The police are supposed to be the good guys, were they not? He knew there was some corruption, but to casually dismiss the whole police force as “ruining lives”

“If you think you´re ruining lives why are you doing it?”

he can't even make out the owner of the voice, the majority of the room looked shocked enough at her statement to ask.

“Who said I don't enjoy ruining lives? Nothing better than seeing someone get what's coming for them.”

Kanra slowly turned her face in his direction. Her smile made the hair on his neck stand up and he had to fight the instinct to get away from her.

“Does sadism run in your Family or something?” 

“Only on my father's side, which exempts Izaya, but yes”

She doesn't shift to look at the voice´s owner, her gaze still fixed on Shizuo. He wants to turn away. but somehow it feels like giving up, like admitting he's losing. 

“Are you actually defending me here?”

Thank god, she turned away to look at her brother.

“Your position as Informant is just as valuable to society as a police officer. partially because a part of the police force is utterly incompetent and would´t get anything done without you.” 

Izaya's smile faltered at her statement.

“i don't work with the police”

How can he even manage to look so serious while spewing such bullshit? 

“The overall conviction rate fell by 9 percent since you´ve been gone”

“correlation not causation”

She opened her mouth to object, but changed her mind halfway through

“If you say so.” 

Silence settled over the room, the sibling still staring at each other with expressions he didn't understand.

“So now that that's cleared up” Shinra clasped his hands together cheerily- is there anything he doesn't do cheerily as long as Celty is present?- “How about we play a game to lift up the mood.”

He paused for a moment to look around the room. As no one objected he continued to speak.

“Izaya-san truth or dare”

He let out a chuckle, obviously surprised by Shinra's rather childish choice, though not displeased

“Why not? i choose...truth” 

“Who kidnapped you and why”

God just what had Izaya done to Kida? He´s getting fucking annoying, even if he could understand his animosity 

“His name was Akamoto Akira, and I´m afraid you only get one question”

As he made one gesture with his left hand, Shizuo noticed for the first time that there was no missing finger anymore. Or was that the right one? He was pretty sure it was the left one. Can you stitch a finger back on? 

“Well then, Erika-san truth or dare”

He barely paid attention to the reply, trying to count the fingers on Izaya's hand. Thouse stupid gloves weren´t helping either. And fuck it stop moving you bastard!

That's yeah no, that's five fingers on his right and five on his left. Unconsciously he reached up to scratch his head and furrowed his brows.

He's pretty sure that stitching a finger back on would have to happen very close to the injury. And it also requires a finger.

Wait, didn't Izaya mention something about protheses last time?Are there finger prostheses? Would there even be a market for it? How many people lose their finger? And would you even need a prosthesis? 

Staring down at his fingers he tries to imagine what it would be like. He pushes past the initial uneasiness to satisfy his curiosity

“Shizuo!”

he looks up from his hand to find the room staring at him. 

“Truth or dare”

Erkia asks him

“Uhhh dare i guess”

Fuck he should not have said that, and his fear only worsens as she starts grinning. Luckily he isn't the only one who notices as Walker and Kadota both aggressively start whispering at her. She answers loud enough to hear her.

“Party-poopers. Both of you.” She looks accusingly at her seat neighbors.

“Well then I dare you to list every positive thing about Izaya-san”

“That's not even a real dare, it's a truth!” 

Walker objects, and Shizuo silently thanks him

“you said the other thing was too hard” 

“fine”

_Oh fuck_

She turns to stare at him expectantly, the excitement obvious in her expression

“Uhhm….well...he´s…” 

_he's not even looking at me._

Somehow that was even worse than the smirk he anticipated. 

_C´mon say something, anything._

But he doesn't , no matter how he wills it the words get stuck on his tongue, shame wrapping around his throat like a noose. He just can't, not with all these people around to listen, to judge. 

“He's dedicated.”

Shizuo´s head jerks up at Kanra´s voice, as does Izaya´s. Her own is steadily directed at the informant however.

“He´s passionate, he's intelligent, he’s resilient, he’s loyal to those who earned his loyalty and if you tell him a secret he takes it to his grave.”

the words are getting rushed, her breath getting faster yet she does´t stop

“His cooking skill is unmatched, as is his strategy in board games which really makes him a pain to play against but is impressive nonetheless, he's great with kids, his drawings are amazing and his poetry even better. He can get excited over any-”

“I genuinely appreciate the sentiment but you are hijacking someone else's dare”

He looks almost disappointed, though Shizuo can't find an explanation as to why. She just wanted to defend him, like any older sibling would. 

“I'm sorry for interrupting your answer Heiwajima-san, please continue”

Her smile is as icy as her voice, she reaches to sip from her stupid wine again

He doesn't really have a choice in this anymore, he has to say something at least.

“i uh... i agree with what you said.”

Can this shitty ass game be over already? Or at least this shitty question?

“What part of it do you agree with?” 

God, she really hates him, doesn't she? Well why would´t she hate him, he almost killed her brother. 

“he's smart and uh resilient and stuff” 

“impressive observation”

_Not good enough_. Just say what you mean goddammit. 

but somehow her backhanded insult still reaches him and it's like a barrage unleashed and the words that were previously stuck can't be held back anymore

“He's never afraid to back down, even when he's wrong, which is all the fucking time. He´s smart as fuck and he uses it for all the wrong causes. He rarely shows his real feelings and his acting is impressive, as is his ability to get people to do what he wants, which once again he only uses to fuck shit up. He´s fucking goregous even if his personality is shit. Chasing after him was as addictive as cigarettes, which only make me hate him even more” 

if the room was quiet before, it was soundless now, no one even daring to take a too loud breath. 

Izaya still does not look at him, for whatever fucking stupid reason. He decided that he reason didn't matter as it pissed him off one way or another. 

Well let's get this shit back to the fuckwit who started it, if only to get rid of all this shitty attention. 

“Shinra, truth or dare” 

“Truth”

fuck, he did not think that far. What does he ask now? 

“What's the most fucked up injury you've ever seen?”

Walker sounds geniously curious, which makes the whole thing even creepier. 

“Well there certainly are a lot to choose from. Though I personally was the most fascinated by a brand mark on a trafficking victim. The name of their captor burned into their flesh. It was a clean wound, well taken cared of to assure proper scaring. But the thought process behind it was so captivating. To think you own another human to the point of branding them with your own name.”

Well talk about creepy. Maybe he should just head home already. He blends out the conversation out again, choosing to invest his attention into making a drink instead. At least drinks won't talk about their fascination with brand marks. 

Even when the drink is finished, the game and the people around him aren't all that interesting with shinra sticking to celty and no one else to really talk to. Sure, a few things catch his attention; hand stab kid dancing with a black haired girl, another girl talking about love, the annoying one - Kida wasn't it? anyway he took a whole spoonful of wasabi and it turned out as well as one could expect it to. 

His attention was returned at hearing Izaya's name, again. He was starting to think that Kida hated him even more than Shizuo himself. 

“Dare” 

“Show us your scars. After all there must be some pretty nasty ones from that kidnapping, no?”

That was cruel, even for his standards, to drag out such a traumatic experience in front of his closest acquaintances. Still Izaya obliged, undoing his gloves and taking off his vest . 

“Stop” 

His movements halted at the sound of his sister's voice. 

“What are you doing” 

She sounds tired, almost disappointed, if Izaya notices it, he doesn't show it. 

“Well I can't show my scars without undressing now, can I?”

His statement only leaves her more agitated.

“Why are you risking your mental wellbeing for a children's game?” 

“I'll be fine”

His voice seems forced, as does his smile. Shizuo doesn't miss the way his finger whiten around the edges of his chair, holding on with far more force than necessary. 

“Do you think I´m stupid”

The question throws him off course

“Why would i—”

“Izaya, I´ve seen people being traumatized in hours, in _minutes_. Foundations and beliefs shaken and lost. You were gone for 213 days, and you seriously expect me to believe you´ll be fine? Do i look that stupid to you?”

213 days. 

He was gone 213 days. 

7 months. 

No wonder he's acting so differently. 

“So what would you have me do? sit and wait until it's all better?”

They´re both getting upset now, visibly so

“You can't just wait to be better, you have to _work_ for it. Recovery is hard. It's unlearning patterns and behaviours and expectations. It's dragging out your fears and your pain and accepting it, learning to live with it. If you think you can just sit and wait and it´ll all be better you are poorly mistaken”

The words are raw with emotion, which one he's not sure. She somehow manages to sound disappointed and angry yet concerned all at the same time. Why? How can she care about him that much, without ever trying to protect him? without ever interfering in their regular death chases? It takes a moment for Izaya to reply, stunned by her outburst, though still not convinced of her intentions. 

“And how long will that take until I'm back? Back to how I was before?”

“Are you really foolish enough to think you can go back to how you were before? That boy is gone, and he's not coming back. never. So be different. be better”

Izaya´s face twists in anger, a look that still leaves chills in Shizuo´s spine, though he does consider her words harsh as well. 

“Is that what you want, for me to be better? to be the perfect little poster boy, just like Hibiya”

“what i want is for you to be happy. And this —” 

She gestures vaguely in his direction while keeping her eyes fixed on the Informant.

“Pretending that you´re not hurt, that everything's fine, it's only going to lead to the same dark place as before. A place I refuse to follow you. I love you, and if you need help I'm here for you. But don't expect me to save you from the consequences of your own actions. You´re smarter than that ” 

a moment of silence passes

He´d really love to know what's going on in Izaya´s head right now. What is he thinking about? Are her words true, was he unhappy even before? He could imagine so. All the manic grins and plots in the world won't help when you're sitting alone in your apartment, no matter how big. And this isn't something he suspects, it´s something Shizuo knows all too well. Though the crap hole he calls an apartment probably doesn't help much. 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark, a cigarette in hand, or maybe a drink, or both, listening to the noises of the city, wondering why he was here at all. wondering what would change if he weren't here anymore.

It's this moment that Izaya decides to speak up, thankfully before Shizuo´s thoughts turn too dark

“How do i get better?”

He's never heard his nemesis sound so small, his head hanging low as if he were trying to hide. An admission, a request for help, something that sounds so strange coming from him, and it seems to him like it sounds strange to Izaya himself.

“Let's step outside for a moment, alright?”

All the anger previously found in Kanra was now replaced by a voice so gentle it could come from an Angel. It almost reminded him of his Mother. How can she be so gentle yet so cruel?

“would you get my jacket”

“Of course”

He transfers back into his wheelchair, this time with the help of Celty´s shadows and makes his way to the balcony. He closes the door, and finally Shizuo gets to ask the question that was burning in his mind. 

“Why didn't you step in before” 

He doesn't know what about it plagues him so. Maybe the thought that, had she stepped in this all could have been avoided. This whole stupid situation that has him brimming with guilt, and certainly wasn't in Izaya´s best interest as well. 

The way she turns already tells him he will not like her answer 

“I´m not quite sure I understand your question Heiwajima-san. Would you mind rephrasing it?”

There was that smile again, that goddamned fake smile that made him want to bash her head in. 

“Why didn't you stop me before. You obviously care for him, so why did it take him almost dying to get you to step in. Why didn't you do anything before”

“You think I didn't try?” 

She moves towards him, slowly yet still he feels threatened.

“Oh, how many gangs I've sent after you, one more useless than the last. How many times I asked, no begged Izaya to finally let me lock you up and deal with you for good.”

She's standing in front of him now, and he gets up without intending to, some defense mechanism too deeply ingrained to ignore. 

“But no, that would be too boring, he can manage you, don't I trust him? Well, to be honest not, but I´m not stupid enought to get between Izaya and what he wants either. And if he wants to burn, well eventually he should come to the conclusion that not burning is far preferable, but I cannot do that for him.”

Her smile turns from faked politeness into something far more sinister 

“Though I do believe, he may have changed his mind by now, so you might want to consider not making a too big threat of yourself, just in case.”

She reaches out to fix his bowtie, only to find it was one of the pre-bound ones, held together at his neck with a clasp. A look of disdain covers her face. 

“How cheap” 

All thought of cation was thrown out of the window at her insult. How could she, How DARE she insult his brother´s gift. . 

“What the fuck did you just say?”

She was entirely unfazed by his outburst, rephrasing the statement as if he had misunderstood it.

“I said your bowtie is cheap, though I'm sure you were already aware of that”

Screw hitting her, he'd just toss her out of the window, seven stories should be sufficient to shut her up.

“Apologize NOW”

Apathy turned into viciousness as she stared up at him. She looked even smaller like this, barely reaching his chest and somehow it reminded him of the biology lesson in which he learned that the smaller animals are often the most toxic ones. It had taken all his willpower not to run outside of class as the teacher lectured them about snakes and spiders and all those things that made his skin crawl, even now. 

“Or what?”

He anticipated the response long before she said it. So he could add one person to the list of people not afraid of him, though this time he wasn't nearly as relieved about it as last time. 

“What are you gonna do about it?” 

Even the way she moves her neck while talking reminded him of a snake

“You want to punch me? please, go right ahead. It´ll make it so much easier to lock you up. Did you know, assaulting an officer gets you about 3 years?”

God dammit this motherfucking — He couldn't keep it in anymore, though a last shred of consciousness was enough to turn his fist towards the table instead of her face. 

Hardwood crashed against his hand and he was pretty sure that he´d spend the rest of the evening picking splinters out

Kanra laughed, she actually had the gall to laugh at him! He wasn't this angry in a year, all the pent up frustration spilling out before he could think about it

“I beat Izaya, what makes you think I can`t beat you too?!”

He knows he should´d have said it the moment that the words left his lips, sees the way her eyes narrow at him, and he knows he's not going to like what she's about to tell him. 

“First of all you didn't even really beat Izaya, he's still alive after all, even though you definitely had the chance to get rid of him for good. Which leads me to believe that you don't actually have what it takes. You'll scream and you´ll shout but once it gets real dirty you just run like a little lost puppy”

She actually managed to make not killing someone — not killing her own brother — like a bad, cowardly thing to do. Just how far was she capable of going? and not just capable, but willing?

“Second Izaya was prideful enough to try fighting you honorably. No poison, not targeting your loved ones, not killing you in your sleep. And while I agree that these are despicable, dishonourable things to do, I´ll gladly throw my pride in the trash if it means getting rid of you.” 

She smirked again and he didn't think a smirk could look threatening, but somehow she pulled it off. 

“Now, if you would excuse me please”

She didn't wait for his reply, furthermore confirming that her politeness was anything but sincere, and followed Izaya out to the balcony, firmly closing the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are. Yes they're siblings, yes it's not really canon but oh well. (Also yes Hibiya will make an appearance later. Maybe i should update the character tags?) 
> 
> For now you may think it's weird that Shizuo gets scared so easily, but he's shown to have very good instincts and he's definitely not mistaken in the long run, You´ll see. 
> 
> Also credit where credit is due , “Do you ever break your own things” was directly inspired by Lundy Bancroft´s “Why does he do that? Inside the mind of Angry and Controlling Men” 
> 
> The premise was a woman complaining about her husband's actions when he gets mad and breaks things, stating that he “loses control”. Lundy asks if he ever breaks his own things, and she states that it's only her things he breaks, and that she has to clean them up afterwards. Thus showing that he doesn't nearly lose as much control of himself as he says he does, as he still makes the conscious choice to break her things instead of his. 
> 
> https://heytroubleblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/tumblr_n2c2u5ueqd1qdo6y1o1_500.jpg 
> 
> Kanra is using this question to try and see if Shizuo actually loses control, or if he just says he does. Now we all know that Shizuo has broken plenty of his own things, but from an outside perspective it's a little harder to judge and I believe we can all recognize and understand that she isn't exactly fond of Shizuo right now. 
> 
> Any questions, theories or just complaining about my update schedule? (hint, i don't have one) Take it to my Tumblr 
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dezaya


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